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leah007
Aug. 28th, 2006
09:57 pm - doing well.....
So far my new start has been ok. I've been keeping the daily calorie count under 500, and last I checked I was at 125.5. But now I have my period... yuck. Being a vegan has helped a lot! I only want to put all natural things into my body, everything else is disgusting, fattening, and not worth it. Plus, if I ever feel like I want to binge I just tell myself that I don't really like that food, I just think I do. All it takes is one bite and the longer I go without a bite of crap the less I will remember it.
Aug. 24th, 2006
09:51 pm
So far my plan is working pretty well. It's long term, and in my experience that has worked best. It's hard to not just jump into it and fast or eat like less than 300 cals a day, but that ALWAYS leads to a major binge that lasts for days. This week I have been eating 1000 cals a day (soooo much, but it's a good place to start), next week 900 and the next 800 and so on. I think it will work pretty well because my exercising will also increase. I'm hoping to weigh 123 by october 1, 118 by november 1, and 113 by december 1. I think I can reach the first goal without too much problem, but the next ones should be a little more difficult. My lowest is around 116ish, so 113 is a major step. I often have to remind myself why I am doing this and sometimes it is easy to lose sight of the goal. If I can't reach the december 1st goal I will be a total failure. I will look so much better and feel good about how I look and people will compliment me. Most of all, clothes will look so good on me. Throwing up is just stupid and so are laxatives. I've already been through that and it's not worth it. This will be a major accomplishment that I can be proud of. Where does it end? Will it end at 113? Maybe not, but I will examine that when I get there. I think one of my biggest problems is confidence, and looking good is a big part of that.
I've been reading that book "wasted" and it sucks, the author is such a tool. It's about her experiences as an anorexic/bulimic and I can't stand her, but i'm almost done so I guess I will finish it.
Aug. 13th, 2006
10:47 pm - i'm back and ready to start over, thank god
it's the start of my last year of college and it's a really good time to start over. no binges, no purges, just restricted eating and normal exercise. I have been a vegetarian since february (no beef, chicken, or pork) but now I feel like i'm ready to cross over into vegan land. i think without milk, eggs, and cheese i will have less to binge on. i was doing a really good job for the last few days, but today i had so much to eat, not really a binge, just gone astray a bit. so tomorrow is monday and I hope to be at 125 by friday and 120 by september 1st. i just need to hang in there and stay strong. it will be so worth it in the end. SO worth it.
Jan. 31st, 2006
01:45 am
this is serious, i'm going to fast tuesday-fri. that's 4 days. i'm nervous, i've never been able to fast more than 1 day before. but god, i will look so good at the end. i probably won't have enough energy to exercise though, but that's ok. i will exercise on saturday when i end my fast. i'm wondering how i will keep from being hungry and stay motivated. i have to do this though. i just have to.
Jan. 29th, 2006
Jan. 8th, 2006
09:27 am
121, still not good enough. I NEED to be 115 soon, maybe by the end of this week? No binges. Food is poison. It really is...eat to live, don't live to eat. So true, so true.
Jan. 5th, 2006
04:34 pm
I fucking hate school. I am so depressed and I don't want to do anything. I never participate in class because I never have anything to say and then I feel like fucking crap. I don't even care if I get an F. If I can't do it perfectly, there is no point in doing anything at all. I can't deal with anything anymore. I just want to take a whole bunch of drugs and be out of it. Be gone. I'm not even hungry. Maybe things will be happier when I weigh 110. They have to be.
Dec. 6th, 2005
01:46 am
finals is fucking with my eating. why is this so annoying? excuses are dumb, but seriously, am i trying to be obese?
Dec. 3rd, 2005
04:56 pm
somehow, even with my binge on thursday, i managed to make it to my stgw-125! I'm not that excited though, my next goal is 120 by next friday, i know that i can do it.
Dec. 2nd, 2005
08:40 pm
i'm 126 now. not too bad, that's 6 pounds to lose in 7 days. it's definitely within reach. this week i will increase my cals to 500 per day, 300 per day was probably just too low.
01:47 am
i hate my roommates, i hate my life, i hate myself. i was 1 pound away from my goal, and i blew it. all it takes is one tiny "reward" and it spirals into a whole binge. and tonight was a true binge for me, not a fake binge like a bowl of cereal and ice cream or something, i'm talking like 2000 calories in a matter of about 3 hours. my stomach hurts really bad. it's just that i've been so tired and dizzy this week that i thought maybe eating something would help. that was a HUGE mistake. i just want to cry. i guess all i can do now is to start over again tomorrow. 300 calories a day, and i won't weigh myself until next week. maybe monday, it's gonna be hard, but it will be better that way. this weekend i will figure out something to do about my lack of energy. i just keep repeating in my head 115 115 115 115. soon, i will be 115. but what happens then? what happens when i reach 115? how do i stay at that weight? i don't know. i hate myself and i want to get away. i want to drive to airport and fly to paris. everything would be better if i lived in paris.
Nov. 28th, 2005
06:32 pm
so, thanksgiving week is over. now, i am totally back on track. i have eaten 205 calories today, i can only have about 100 more. that won't be too hard, i'll have some soup or a salad when i get back from working out. i better be 125 by saturday, or else the shit's really gonna hit the fan.
Nov. 15th, 2005
05:34 pm
124 pounds!!! YES! ok, i need some advice though!! so, i have been doing this diet since saturday (i weighed 130), where i eat 300 calories a day and burn off at least 600 in the gym. and, today i weigh 124 pounds. do you think i should eat 600 calories today (i.e. a big dinner), or should i stick to the 300 cals?
Nov. 14th, 2005
10:39 pm
i eat 300 calories a day, but when i feel full, i feel like i ate too much. i hate it this. i better weigh 120 pounds by saturday, that's 5 more pounds to go. i think i will be a lot happier at 120. that's what i said about getting to 130 and 125. but this time it's the truth. i am NOT looking forward to thanksgiving. I need to lose as much as possible before then, so that when I binge, it won't be THAT big of a deal (hopefully...).
Nov. 2nd, 2005
06:16 pm - Intense Cravings
I hate myself when I eat. I can't be perfect if I'm fat, and I need to be perfect. I feel so disgusting, so I have been restricting my calories to 380 or less for about a month now. I have done so well with losing the weight, and never binging, but now I've been 129 for over a week now. What is the deal? It just makes me want to order a pizza and get candy and chips. I can't though, I've done so well. But why am I not continuing to lose weight? This makes me so mad. This is so difficult sometimes.